I have a confession to make. If you’ve read Part I, you may remember that I recounted a time I struggled with a period of burn out. I wrote it with a lot of fear, because as I wrote it, I was just coming out of that tough time.
There. I said it.
When I wrote Part I, I was actually writing because it was helping me work through that rough patch. Meaning, I was writing that story as I battled anxiety, depressed thoughts, and feelings of burnout.
(Though, it was not posted when I was going through that period. It was posted after.)
You see, writing is one of those tools I use as therapy. I pull it out of my bag and use it to help me through those times when everything else isn’t helping. And because it helps me, I use it often by making sure I have a consistent writing regime.
My writing practice usually goes like this:
- I write what got me to where I am now. What happened that lead to this moment, whatever it is?
- Then, I write through what I am currently feeling and I explore each feeling in chronological order if I can.
- Finally, I write the ending (sometimes before it’s even happened) and reflect on the good that’s going to come out of this low time (because I know something good will come out of it).
Writing out the story – beginning, middle, and end – helps me put what I’m feeling into perspective and reminds me that, “This too shall pass.”
So, that’s what Part I of this mini-series was. It was me putting into practice what I preach. I was actually feeling what I was writing in the moment I was writing it, acting as if I’d already worked through it. I was writing my own story. And writing in that way works for me.
Okay, now back to our regular programming.
As I started coming out of the low period, it took a while to get back up on sturdy legs. I was still crying frequently, though it was less often than before. I was still feeling my heart race as I went through the day, though I reminded myself that anxiety is just a feeling and that there is actually nothing wrong with me.
And slowly, but surely, I was feeling back to my usual self.
Why did this happen?
The onset of this (for lack of better terms) breakdown was a shock to me. I was happy. Not stressed. And seemed to have all of the balls I was juggling up in the air. None were dropping.
So, why did this happen? Well, I was so focused on doing and performing and living up to the high expectations I had for myself that I began to lose steam and couldn’t sustain the lifestyle I’d built.
I needed to take a major break in order for my body to come down. And I did. I cleared my calendar as best as I could, and added more therapy into my weeks. I shifted my priorities. And I learned this valuable lesson in accepting the unknown…
Because I Said So
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrases, “If only you could see yourself as God sees you,” and “You’re created in the image and likeness of God.” And they’re supposed to remind us that we are uniquely created with a purpose much greater than ourselves. They’re comforting, and they’re true. But when you’re feeling low or depressed it’s hard to understand how God, who loves us, could allow us to sink so low. Or how as faithful people, we could struggle with seeing the beauty around us.
Contemplating this on one of my longer runs during this low period, I was struck with the idea that I am a child of God. I know. You’ve heard that a million times too, and so have I, but this period of anxiety brought forth a new concept with that truth.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents would tell you you couldn’t do something and when you asked, “Why?” they responded with, “Because I said so.”? At the time, we didn’t understand why we couldn’t get what we wanted, but our parents knew what was best for us and they also knew that we wouldn’t understand the reasoning. So, they’d leave it at, “Because I said so.”
You’re Still a Child
I think we often forget that we are children of God. Yes, we’re adults and we take care of ourselves every single day. We make our own decisions and pay our bills and go to work and love our families and friends. And we believe we’ve got this whole life thing figured out and that we’re in control.
And while here on earth, we may have our stuff together, and we may be adults, but in God’s eyes we are still children. We are still growing and learning and being formed spiritually. We’re not in control and despite the number of things we’ve lived through, we’re still terribly naive.
So, we have a God who is omnipresent and omnipotent and who is beyond our conception in His power and glory. We are His children and we must trust that when things aren’t working out the way they’re “supposed to” or we’re struggling with something that just doesn’t make sense, He has a bigger plan. He knows what’s best for us. And sometimes the only answer we get is, “Because I said so.”
You may know this already. Regardless, I challenge you to sit with this thought for longer than you have before, because we can know this, but to truly understand the beauty of surrender is a place many, many people do not get to.
And if that doesn’t bring solace…
If you find yourself right now in the throes of a desperate time, know that you will come out of this. Just like I came out of my period of burn out with a lot of rest, relaxing, and recalibrating. Life is filled with ups and downs and while they feel so real in the moment, what we feel isn’t the end all or be all. In fact, feelings are a gift. How beautiful is it that we have the opportunity to feel happy and sad and angry and glee? But it’s what we do with those feelings that matters even more. If we act on our anger in the wrong way… that’s, well, wrong. If we strive only to feel happiness… that’s not reality. I could go on.
I think some people are so scared to feel that they try to numb themselves with whatever is around them – alcohol, drugs, bad relationships, medication – but also with busy-ness, and the constant pursuit to find self-validation and self-worth in what we do. But that’s a blog post for another day. And I’ll let Dr. Colleen Reichmann cover that one:
The conclusion here is it’s okay to take a break, because those feelings can become overwhelming and all-consuming when we’re not taking proper care of ourselves. In fact, our best work and our best selves come after we take breaks. But we shouldn’t take breaks once we have a breakdown. If that’s what is prompting us to take a break… well, we’re too late. We need to take time each and every day to rest. And what that looks like for me, might look different for you, but rest is rest and it’s what our body and soul need.
Why should you do this? Well… because I said so.
Want to keep the discussion going? Reach out. See a grammatical error? Feel free to send a message. And while you’re here, be sure to sign up for my newsletter!
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