Believe me. I know the implications of using the phrase “mental illness,” and I use it with much caution. I also know the severity of what I’ve experienced pales in comparison to many, many others’ experiences. But I’m not sure what other terminology to use, and I think my situation is a good example of why we need to keep talking about mental health, so that we better understand how to talk about it. Yes, I struggled a lot, but I was never unable to function. Yes, there were days where it was terribly difficult to get out of bed, but I was surrounded by a loving family, a strong faith, and a desire for joy that kept me going.
Why I’m Sharing This With You
I love sharing how I’ve gotten to where I am today, because it connects me to so many people, and I’ve been asked recently to share my journey. Sharing my testimony reminds me that people need the reassurance that they’re not alone with what they’re going through. So, that’s what this post is for. To share with you where I started and how I got here. And I do want to highlight that even though I’m focusing on my past struggles in this blog post, I still had (and still do have) a very GOOD and BLESSED life. I am so grateful for all of the friends, family, and beautiful memories I carry with me, even though I was sometimes in a rough place.
God’s glory is all around us, and I’m so grateful for His love.
The Mindful Catholic
But first, this post is exciting because it’s kicking off my 8-week journey to mindfulness using The CatholicPsych Academy’s Mindfulness program. For the next 8 weeks, I’ll be chronicling my experience with the mindfulness program on here and on my Instagram, which will be challenging, but fun, because it’ll give you a glimpse into my every day life – mind, body, and soul – and will give you tangible takeaways for your mental health journey.
If you are interested in trying out the program, head over to the CatholicPsych Academy and use the code ‘runningmyselftogether‘ to receive $50 off the program.
Okay, now, for real, let’s begin…
The Eating Disorder
I’m not exactly sure when my troubles with mental health started. I do know that as a child I had a lot of fears, doubts, and insecurities. And I believe having that disposition as a kid, stayed consistent throughout life.
I always felt like I didn’t fit in.
When the anxieties really began to perpetuate themselves was when I was entering my freshman year in high school. I was in a play and I had to wear a leotard on stage. For the first time in my life, I told myself, “It’s time to go on a diet. I need to look good on stage.” And so I did.
But what started as reducing calories, slowly developed into a cycle of restriction and dieting, followed by trying to eat normal, then back to disliking what I saw in the mirror, and finally, starting the restriction all over again.
It was my coping mechanism during my high school years. I was insecure, but a perfectionist. I got straight-A’s, but disliked who I was. I had a deep love for Jesus, but didn’t understand what it meant to be created in the image and likeness of God.
I saw therapist after therapist, but during this time was never able to find the one who realized that even though I wasn’t completely emaciated because of my eating disorder, I still had an eating disorder. It’s common for a female with an eating disorder to stop getting her period. I experienced that, along with chronic constipation. But where my eating disorder was the strongest was in my mind.
Each and every day was focused on counting calories and what I could or couldn’t eat. While there were good days and bad days, and there were times where I thought I was truly beating the disorder, I was still living in a very anxious mind as I obsessed over food consumption.
After years of therapy, I’ve learned that eating disorders aren’t so much about being skinny, they’re about being in control. At least in my case, that’s what was at the root of the problem. I had an issue with control and it’s taken years to let the need to control… go.
The Anxiety & Depression
Despite what I was struggling with at the time, I graduated salutatorian of my class, and I continued on to college, where for the first time, I was on my own.
During this time, I had a therapist who told me to do what the other kids did while at school, “Watch what they eat, and you do the same.” Because at this point, I was still restricting calories. I was still tied to my certain foods and routines and living out my perfectionist tendencies through an eating disorder. And breaking any of those habits made me panicky inside, because I feared what would happen if I “lost control.”
What she shared with me worked… to some extent. I started eating what I thought was “enough.” I was making friends and doing well in school. But then I started gaining some weight, as you’d imagine when one goes from not eating to eating.
And the anxiety and depression really set in.
I vividly remembering coming home during breaks, and being unable to get out of bed. I didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling or to control my mind. One day I’d feel anxious and the next day downtrodden with depression. Most days felt like living on a roller coaster.
Stay tuned…
And I think that’s where I’ll leave it for now for fear that this post will be 3000 words long. The next post will focus on what lead to my ultimate “breakdown” and how I turned my life around by buckling down and truly focusing on getting better.
In the meantime, head over to the CatholicPsych Academy and use the code ‘runningmyselftogether‘ to receive $50 off the program. I’m excited to share this journey with you!
Love,
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