Last week, I shared the beginning of my mental health journey. I’ve shared it plenty of times and in plenty of other places before, but I thought it was worth recounting.
Today, I’m sharing a piece of my journey I haven’t really shared before (besides a quick mention here and there). But it’s the piece that catapulted me into my recovery and because of this moment, I was finally able to get the help I needed.
Hello Facebook, Hello Anxiety
It had been a rough summer. I was fighting with my boyfriend at that time every day, spending a lot of time alone and was really struggling with the transition from college life to being home for three months to transitioning back again.
And then one day it all came to a halt. I was scrolling through Facebook and I felt the panic creep in. Well, more like barrel in. I couldn’t control it and the next thing I knew I was on the floor in a full-on panic attack. My body was tingling and my extremities were going numb. Black spots were appearing every where I looked, and I was on the verge of passing out.
While this was going on, my mom was on the phone with my brother, a fire fighter, asking for help. (Excuse me while I wipe the tears out of my eyes… and let me digress for one minute to say THANK YOU to my brother and for what every fire fighter, cop, EMT, and everyone in between does to keep us safe. God Bless You.) And five minutes later, he and three or four other fire fighters were surrounding me, doing all they could to calm me down.
But did I want this to happen?
Nothing was working. I remember being cognizant of what was happening, knowing full well it was anxiety, but I was already in such a heightened state that I couldn’t come down.
But the real question is, “Did I want to come down?” And I’m confronting that right now, right here, as I type to you. Because as I reflect on this moment in my journey, I can’t help but think that I wanted… No, I NEEDED this to happen. This was the moment that everyone saw just how much pain living in my anxious mind had been causing me all those years.
This was the moment I’d finally have a voice… without using any words.
Off We Go
I was seen. I was heard. And I was rushed off to the hospital in an ambulance.
Quick, funny story. I went to middle school with the girl who was my EMT. And she asked me questions like, “How are things going?” To which I replied, “Oh you know, going good,” as I laid on a gurney with oxygen and probably had the most attention someone having a panic attack has ever had (5 firefighters, my family, an ambulance, an EMT, my neighbors in their driveway… I never checked to see if it made it into the local paper, but wouldn’t doubt it.). But she did an amazing job talking me through what I was feeling and by the time we got to the hospital I was far more coherent.
The Real Work Begins
I was discharged from the hospital shortly after I’d gotten there, given some anxiety medicine, and was told to get a new therapist. A couple weeks later, God placed a wonderful woman in my life who was my therapist for the next six years. Her work with me was slow and steady, but consistent as she helped me retrain how I think.
Read Part I of this journey here!
There were still many days where I found it difficult to get out of bed, where anxiety was crippling, where I felt trapped in my mind, but I’ve learned over the years that some people are wired this way, so anxiety will creep up. But the difference between me today and me six years ago is I know how to handle it. I know how to mitigate triggers and I know how to retrain my brain so that anxiety doesn’t take over my life like it used to.
I Love Jesus. And I Have Anxiety.
And as the years have gone on, I’ve had to wrestle with what it means to be a Catholic and struggle with mental health issues. A few weeks I posted this Instagram post:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnZ-iJHAoEu/?taken-by=runningmyselftogether
I received so many comments and messages regarding it that my heart started racing as I thought, “Um. I was just sharing my heart, and what my therapist and I had talked about that day… what do I do now?”
And God worked, as He always does, in a mysterious way. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve teamed up with the Catholic Psychology Institute to work through and promote their mindfulness program.
They’re the experts and they have programs to help from a Christian point of view. I knew I had to share this program with you, because I can talk about anxiety till I’m blue in the face (lol), but if I can’t share resources with you on how to work through it… well, that’s not very helpful.
Week One Recap
I’m through Week One of the program and I’ve already learned so much. I’ve found an increased joy in my life as I come to know Christ in a deeper personal relationship. Dr. Botarro talks frequently about safety and the idea (no, the truth) that God is love and He loves us, so we are safe. Knowing that we are safe, we can begin to ease our anxiety.
The difference, though, is that KNOWING isn’t the same as BELIEVING. We know that Christ loves us. But we truly need to believe it and watch as that belief unfolds in our lives. How do we get there? Prayer, spiritual reflection, receiving God’s grace through the sacraments, taking care of ourselves, taking care of others, etc…
We Can’t Give Peace If We Don’t Have Peace
Another thing I’ve learned is that I cannot help others find peace if I don’t have peace myself. We can’t give what we don’t have, right? And going through this program I’m finding a lot of peace, which I hope to give to you. Yes, the anxiety is still there. Untrue thoughts still pop into my mind and I feel my heart race. The difference is, I’m seeing how slowing down and being more mindful has helped me pick out what triggers me and take control of those thoughts.
Because we can’t control the thoughts that come into our heads, but we can control HOW we think… that is, what we do with those thoughts.
And that’s what this program is about.
It’s about being present and taking life in right here and right now, so that we can live a life of peace.
You Should Give the Mindfulness Program a Try
If you want to check out the mindfulness program for yourself, head over to The Catholic Psych Academy and use the code ‘runningmyselftogether’ for $50 off.
Questions? Let’s chat!
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**Affiliate codes are included in this post, which means I get a bit of money when you purchase something I promote. It helps keep this blog running, and I would NEVER promote something I don’t 100% recommend.
