I’m writing this to you right now, because for a while there, I felt alone. And I know once I share this with you, hands will be raised and there will be lots of, “You’re not alone!” And I already appreciate the kind words.
You see, I fell into the very trap I’d set for myself. The trap I fall into time and time again.
The Trap
I don’t think I’m alone in this, though. How many of us are dreamers and planners and expect that if we build a plan around our dreams they absolutely, 100% will turn out the way we’d… well, planned?
I’m raising my hand quite high right now.
And then, how often does that happen? How often does our plan get executed perfectly and our dream comes true just as we’d envisioned it?
Almost never.
I know this about myself, though. I know that I build dreams and future scenarios in my mind and work very hard to watch them come to fruition. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it?
The trap is when those plans become our North Star, our pride becomes our anchor, and our trust in Jesus… well we say it’s there, but ultimately, it’s in our back pocket just in case we need it.
I’ve gone through something recently that’s landed me in the trap (i.e. believing my plans are His plans) I laid for myself, and has humbled me more than I have been humbled in quite some time. It’s left me on my knees praying, “Lord, I’m sorry I let my plans trump Yours. Please fill me with your grace and humble me so that I may trust you.”
A Trip to the Symphony
A couple weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went on a date to the symphony. So cute, right?
It had been years since I’d been to the symphony, and I’d forgotten just how powerful it is with it’s perfectly crafted compositions.
I had some pressing things top of mind (see beginning paragraphs) as I was sitting there next to the love of my life, and because I was in a dark theatre heavily guarded by the attendants, I was pretty much stuck there. I felt my anxiety start to bubble up, and most times when this happens, I get up and move, reframe my thoughts, and “center” myself.
As you can imagine, that wasn’t possible this time around.
So, I used the music to soothe my anxious mind. I watched as each member of the orchestra warmed up on his and her own. It was a chaotic, beautiful mess. Then, I watched as the conductor made his way to the stand and the music started to flow in perfect time and each member added sounds so angelic it brought tears to my eyes.
I began processing what I was experiencing in my personal life and realized that the symphony that was unfolding in front of me was analogous to where I was in life at that very moment.
Who Is Your Conductor?
When the orchestra is performing, the conductor leads the group section by section to create a symphony that is well-planned, well-timed, and tells the most beautiful story. (I’m sure there are technical terms for what I’m explaining, but I don’t know them, so bear with me.) Without him, the orchestra would sound a lot like they did when they were warming up – out of sync, disjointed, loud.
I realized that was how I was living my life – out of sync, disjointed, and loud.
I was living by the playbook of Maria’s Plans and not letting my conductor (my God) take the stage and let His beautifully planned symphony play out in my life.
I believed that because my plans were sometimes working that that was all my life could and should be – what I had planned for myself.
Instead, I was missing God’s stunning symphony. The one He has planned and written just for me.
I was my conductor.
But you see, I want the beautiful symphony God has planned for me. I don’t want my half-baked plans. I don’t want the ideal I have in my mind. I want God’s ideal, because He is so much greater than my finite mind.
I want Him.
Backing Away
So, as the music continued on, I slowly climbed out of the trap I’d laid for myself. I stopped feeling bad for my present situation. And I surrendered my all to God and trusted that He is in control.
His timing, not mine.
His providence, not mine.
His glory, not mine.
It’s very humbling climbing out of your own dunghill. You’re messy and smell bad. You’re probably a little bruised. But all of that can be washed away and healed.
And that’s what I needed. No, that’s what I need.
Friends, I’m sharing my heart with you, because this was a humbling journey for me. I thought what I had planned for my life was going to happen in my time. And when I realized that I still had some waiting and some things to work through, I was crushed. I thought I had it all figured out.
But I was more so crushed, because I’d put so much thought into believing I had it all figured out. And trust me, I believe God’s providence and plan is absolutely true. I just sometimes struggle with letting it happen in His time and not mine.
And now that I’ve written all of this out, and some time has passed since that moment, I’m doing well. I know just how much God loves and cares for me. I’m excited for His plans, far more than mine, because He is beautiful, His plans are beautiful, and He is love.
And that’s the kind of conductor I want leading my life.
Love,
