I Thought Discernment Was Easy…

But it’s wrecked me in the best way possible. It’s shown me pieces of myself that I never knew were apart of me.

I wrote a Real Life update a month or so ago, and I divulged some of the areas of my life I’m working through. Except, life has gotten a lot more “real” over the past month or so. And it’s something I’ve had to wrestle with in my heart time and time again. When I say time and time again, I mean every single solitary moment of every single day.

It’s been exhausting.

But also, freeing.

You see, within this time, I’ve learned what it truly (TRULY) means to surrender all to Christ. What it means to bring myself to the foot of the cross and offer Him everything I have – my job, my relationship, my ministry, my faith.

Trust me, sisters, it has not been easy. It’s still not easy to this day. But we so often hear stories once they’re done and there’s a pretty bow tied around them of all the goodness and glory God brought through that tough time.

Let me be frank. I’m in the darkness. I don’t know what the pretty bow is for this situation yet, so I can’t give you a beginning, middle, and end. But what I can tell you is God is still faithful, even in the darkness.

I’m writing this to you as I sit in the Chicago O’Hare airport at a crummy Chili’s on my way back from the Blessed Is She retreat in Kansas City, which I decided to attend on a whim, because I knew I needed sisterhood and Jesus.

I felt sad heading there, because in attending this retreat, I was giving up something else that I really wanted to be apart of, but I knew (I just knew…) God had something He wanted to pour into my heart.

So, I bought a ticket to the retreat and used my miles to get me to the mid-West. And He did not disappoint.

Anxiety

I felt the pain of anxiety in my heart from the first moment, and I doubted the words placed on my heart during prayer, praise and worship, and Adoration. “Is this just coming from me, God? Or do You want this for me,” I asked Him.

I met wonderful women and shared what was on my heart. And we prayed over each other.

But the anxiety was still there. “God, I surrender this to you. Please close this door if you don’t want it for me,” I said as my panic for an answer from Him arose.

My anxiety has followed me my entire life

Then it hit me. My anxiety has followed me and surrounded me my entire life. It’s shown up in just about every area and aspect and I’ve let it make decisions for me. I’ve let it decide how I’ll act and react in certain moments and I’ve watched as I’ve let it turn good things into anxious things.

“Lord,” I prayed, “I surrender this anxiety to you. For real, God. Please, please take this away from me.”

It was still there. Then, during Adoration on the last night I said, quite boldly and in a way I don’t typically pray, “God, I need a miracle. Take this away, please.”

And I wrestled in my mind with the real reason I was there – my discernment. I continued to turn that specific situation around and around in my mind, planning things out in my typical, type-A fashion.

Then I heard, so plainly and frankly, on my heart, “I know the desires of your heart, Maria. You can trust Me.”

Weeping

And I wept. Sisters, I sobbed. I raised my hands up to the Lord in complete and total surrender. I reached out in Adoration, as our Savior passed my row.

The fear and pain and anxiety I felt about that particular situation drifted away. He’s got me. He’s got you.

He’s got us, sisters. He has ALWAYS been faithful. And He reminded me of that during this weekend. Maybe He hasn’t acted in our timelines or in the ways we think He should, but goodness, when we trust in Him, we see that His plan is far superior and far more beautiful than ours.

Yes, I am sure I’ll struggle with anxiety. I’m not saying I was miraculously healed (but who knows… that’d be cool).

But I have peace. And in going into this weekend that’s all I wanted.

Fruit

This ministry has continually provided fruit in my life and I’ve watched as it’s touched others throughout our journey together. What started out as a little blog about my journey through my eating disorder has turned into a mission to bring Christ’s light to women through running and mental health awareness.

And I’ve seen how this community has brought me solace and peace so many times. Thank you, sisters, for being here. For showing up. For fighting the good fight. You are loved, heard, seen.

There’s so much good coming for RunningMyselfTogether. I can just feel it. And I can’t wait for you to be apart.

Love,

Maria

And if you haven’t heard, our workout journal will be out before we know it! In the meantime, download The Imperishable Crown free meal planning template!