It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. A lot, and I mean A LOT, has been happening in my life recently. It is all beautiful and good, but I’ve had to put RunningMyselfTogether to the side a bit as I navigate all of these life changes. Taking some time away has been nice, because now I really miss writing and creating new things. So, any burnout or exhaustion is gone. But I’m trusting that this is where God has me for a reason and that once things settle down a bit, I’ll be able to dive headfirst back into this wonderful work and continue to grow this ministry.
I’m writing this post, because if you had told me a year ago where I would be today, I’d honestly laugh in your face. Or I’d cry. Either one. It’s funny (and scary when we’re afraid to let go of our own desires) how God can pluck us right out of our comfort zones and lovingly push us into a life that’s far more fulfilling and virtuous. I’ve wobbled on my shaky legs a lot this year as I’ve relished in all the good while simultaneously asking Him, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I AM VERY SCARED.”
2020, The Year We Were All Happy to Say Bye To
A year ago, I was in a three year relationship that I thought was going to end in marriage. In fact, I was so dead set on it ending in marriage that I ignored my gut feelings. I ignored the signs that he wasn’t there either. I ignored my desire to be with someone of my own faith. I ignored the lies. I ignored just about anything that didn’t fit the picturesque future I had built in my mind with this person.
Until it all came to a head at the end of 2020, and I walked away from that relationship. It was an easier decision than I thought it would be, though it was absolutely painful. I was unwinding the life I thought I had and thought I would have and I faced singlehood again as I turned 30.
Most likely, I will never share the details, because they are private and as I’ve grown older, I’ve become a bit more private. But I will share this…
When I ended that relationship, I was in shock and did not want to be alone, so I booked a one way flight home to NY to spend time with my family as I reeled from what had happened. The other day I found my journal from that time.
1/1/2021
“You don’t know what the future holds, and yes, that’s scary. But when has God ever let you down? When? Your life has been turned into a beautiful masterpiece of His work. You are His… Maria, 2021 is going to be a very special year for you. Trust Him. Trust that He has you in the palm of His hand and He is going to guide you. He won’t let you fall.”
I don’t know where I summoned the strength to write those words. The future I thought I had – wedding planning, marriage, kids – was abruptly ending. But I do know that any strength I had came from Him and His grace. Of course, many, many tears were shed and the months that ensued were filled with a lot of healing. In fact, I’m still unwinding some of the negative thought patterns from that time and healing from the last bits of pain that relationship caused.
But it’s amazing how God takes our brokenness, our woundedness, and just when we think we can’t take one more step forward, He is there with His grace.
About a month after that breakup, a dear friend from college reached out and asked if I’d be interested in meeting a guy. I was in that stage where I thought I was destined to live life alone and figured this one won’t work out anyways, so why not.
God has a funny way, again, of throwing us into things we think we’re not ready for, because this man is absolutely amazing. Our relationship is deep, open, faith-filled, and so much fun. Those doubts and worries I had in every other relationship of my twenties? I don’t have them here. Of course, it’s not perfect, because we are human, but it is beautiful and God’s grace is abounding.
In an effort to continue to discern the relationship, and quite frankly, start over, I decided to move to Jacksonville, FL. Also, amidst that whirlwind, I got a new job. You know… just changing EVERYTHING over here.
He Will Never Abandon You
I share ALL of this with you, because while it was all painful, and there were many moments of panic and fear, God was always, always there. He never abandoned me. He called me to trust Him and to step out of the boat, and I did.
And He will never, ever abandon you. Ever. I don’t know what you’re experiencing or what you’re going through, but I do know that He is calling you to let Him in to it all. Every single thing. Maybe you’re discerning your next step and you feel plagued with fear. Take the leap. Maybe you’re healing from some sort of pain. Keep asking Him for healing and trust that He will heal you. Maybe you feel overwhelmed with anxiety, depression, or despair. Know you’re not alone. Run to Him and seek help from health professionals.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for being a part of this community. It truly means a lot, because the way I heal and process what’s happening in life is through writing.
I am praying for you.
